Wish

Welll, I did not ask out loud that I wanted a boyfriend for my birthday....but, I did wish for one when I blew the candles out....and to get out of that place as soon as possible....and to be more me, and more happy.

I have been thinking about my younger brother a lot lately. The more clearer things are getting in my head, the more I think that the time (though still a ways off) to come out to most people, is coming. Among aaalllll of the people in my family...and in my life in general....it is my younger brother that I think I care the most about what he will think. I reallly care about him. He has his personality faults, but we alllll do. He is a good guy. It scares me absolutely shitless, that if I tell him....he will be disgusted. Wow....I am shaking right now. As far as brothers go...we have gotten kind of close. Not as close as I would like to be...but that is probably mostly my fault.

I think he looks up to me. I am not sure why...but, I think he thinks that some parts of me are worth admiring...like me being in graduate school...that is the only thing I can think of...but I just get the feeling that he does.

I am sooooo scared when I think of coming out to him....because he is verrrryyyy religious. I don't mean that he believes in all that hateful crap.....he just believes in god, and seems to be very spiritual. I am spiritual, but I am not on good terms with religion....for obvious reasons. I am sooooo frightened that he will reject me, be disgusted of his older brother. If that happened, I don't think I could handle it. Okay, that is enough of that for now.....

My father's sister, my aunt, is a real cool person. She is the complete polar opposite of my dad. She is very happy, nice mannered, and overall good person. I think she knows, or at least suspects, that I am gay. We are not very close, simply because we don't see or talk to each other much at all, though. We were talking to each other at my half-sister's wedding. Some information, she is very, very, gay friendly. She is a hairdresser, and has worked with many people who are gay, and has many gay and lesbian friends. She has been on floats at lgbt celebrations. Yes, she it straight. She is a big fan of the Philadelphia Gay Choir. Anyways, we were talking at this wedding, and we got to talking about our favorite music. I was looking at her music in her ipod, and we found out we both liked Antony and the Johnsons, Firefly, Coco Rosie, Lady Gaga, Seal, and others like that. When we were talking, I felt more relaxed, and talked more freely than usual, my voice became more light, more expressive (shall we say). We are friends on facebook, and I mentioned that I was going out to Philadelphia on Sunday, which was the Outfest party, and that I had had a great time. I did not at all mention what I was going there for. My aunt made a comments, that make me feel that she knows or has an idea, of what event I went to. So, I think she suspects, that I am gay, or bisexual. A few minutes ago...she started a conversation with me....out of the blue on face book....about the tv show Gleee. So, I think she has an idea. If she does, that would be great. I am feeling better and happier just by typing this down:):):):):) Haaa!!! Or I could just be over thinking this, and leading myself do a great and depressing let down.:(:(:(:(:(:(:(