My inquiring mind wants to know......

DO any of my phantom viewers play Eve online? I looovvve that game. The way the game’s content and playability has evolved almost completely from the users is absolutely amazing. Have any of you picked up Star Craft 2 yet? I have received mine, but have not been able to play it yet due to school.

Sad attempt at humor

Ya know, I am starting to like the name I have given my viewers (phantoms). I have been thinking of calling you guys’ phantom heads. Ya know, like how the Grateful Dead fans were called dead heads? So, you now have the title of phantom heads. Lol, so this is what my humor transforms into on a blog/personal journal. It is pretty sad. Eeek! It is getting late. Goodnight everyone *huggies*.

Slow as a freaking turtle

I went to the city today to hang out with some of my new friends who are all gay. It’s weird; I can feel/see some of my personality that I normally hide from my friends back home, come out slowly during these times that I am with these friends. You know what I mean, the part of your personality that you mostly only externalize when you are alone, or with people that you feel won’t care? It is slowly coming out, slower than I would like. That is probably my fault. I am a rather shy and internal person by nature. That probably made it easier for me to handle and act the way I do around my friends back home. Read the post before this one to fully understand what I mean by that. Anyway, the point is that I am not being my *full* self around these people yet. But I am being more of my complete self than I have been in a long time. It is just taking too damn long! Another big contributor to this is probably (okay, okay, more like definitely) due to the fact that I am a very insecure person. Heh, if I keep talking and making posts like this, I think I am going to start sounding a little bit like a nut case.

The moral of this story kiddies, is…be yourself…love yourself. Or, you can end up like me……filllled with regret.

I have been practicing my piano skills regularly recently, and I can see that I am improving. Some background here: I played the piano for about six years, and then I stopped. I have decided to start playing again. I love the personal emotionality that can come out from playing a good song on the piano. Have any of you ever heard of a modern pianist named Adrian Carr? The majority of his songs are filled with emotion. I love it.

The Boy Who Plays The Piano
by ~Royal-Sovereign

They say a boy who lives alone
Plays the piano to cleanse his hands --
As if without the wandering melodies
Which when heard first are without beginning or end
But melodic in a tragic sort of way --
His hands that grace the decaying ivory
May not be fit for eating --
Had he food to fill his silver platter --
Or fit for caressing another,
If anyone would look past it all, to care.

I have indeed heard that piano play,
Chill and deathly amidst the Summer warmth,
So that the happy bustle of a neighborhood street --
The children playing happily on the verdant lawns,
The teenage boys skating down the hill,
The grownups sharing lemonade and conversation --
Becomes and ancient charnel-crypt
From the pages and vision of a twilight-dream.

Perhaps it is, that the world is filthy --
Frightening, in its encompassing uncleanliness,
And maddening in its apathy to living life --
To which we could say, the boy cannot be blamed
In being so sadly scared, of touching anything
Before he could clean his hands,
In the best way he ever knew how.

But that is only what they say --
Strands of shadow passing through memory --
It could have been we heard nothing at all
On that fine summer day...
And it could have been, that the empty house
Where they say the lonely boy lives
Remains, just that: empty, soul-less, vacant --
Awaiting a new family to love it once more.

The lonely wind that blew was a solitary breeze
To put dissonance in the fine Summer aire,
Seeming to be telling us all something --
Hidden in happiness lies a tinge of the tragic,
Reminding us that: all thought all well be with us,
Somewhere there is lonesome suffering --
Bad dreams in the daylight.

I wonder if a song really did come through
The torn curtains in the sad window
Of an ancient house -- or if, instead,
It is heard in the mind but not to the ear,
The dream of living that still somewhere
Must exist, far from wherever
We laughed and smiled.

But still...they say a boy who lives alone
Plays the piano to cleanse his hands --
I thought of him as I washed own my hands,
This evening, recounting the story
That may very well have been true
Slowly and silently, within my own head,
As I studied myself, in the mirror...

Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!! (I think that about sums it up)

I went out with some of my close friends today to a bar. We started talking about knowing people at college who were gay, and about going to a local gay bar while at college. One of my friends obviously did not like it. He did not say anything, except grumble something about it being messed up. My other friend did not really like the thought. He said that he doesn’t mind people who are gay, but he just didn’t like it. From the things he said, I got the feeling that he meant the he does not like gay people, and would prefer not to be around them as friends. At the bar, they were viewing all the women in the bar as they walked past, and commented on how they looked, and if they would be with a certain female if the opportunity had risen. I was quiet. I did not say anything about the women they were commenting on. I could not be apart of me. I could not talk about certain things like they did. I could not freely show all of my personality. To do so would have shown that I liked men. I think I have finally realized that I will never be able to be completely me around my friends. I would have liked to join in on there commenting, but could not because of the context and content of what I would say. I am bisexual, but I lean much more towards the guys. I want a relationship with a guy. I felt that I couldn’t exhibit giddiness, or use certain words. I couldn’t show all of my personality (I know, I already stated that). I couldn’t open up and be ALLL of me!

         I have finally come to the conclusion that this part of my life, meaning these friends and my associated friends, and activities I do with them cannot be a part of my life that includes me being with a guy, and freely talking about those kind of things, and other things that aren’t even related, but just apart of me. When I went to meet the gay and lesbian group at a restaurant in the city, I could talk about anything I wanted without being afraid of disapproval because it was weird to them (not an illegal kind of weird). I talked about meeting people, and about my career aspirations in the manner and tone that I liked and was a part of my personality. I was nervous when I first met them, and as a result I was not completely *me*. But I am always nervous and very shy when I first meet people, and it will go away once I get to know them, and I will be more of the real me. It is starting to happen already after having hanged out with them at bars/restaurants twice. Have any of you ever felt like they had to hide a part of themselves, a part of their personality when around certain people? You couldn’t say certain things that are completely harmless, act happy, or talk in a certain way, because of they would think it is weird or disapprove? That is probably a big yes, I just did not want to assume.

           I like the things and activities I do with my friends, but I can’t bring that and all of my personality together. After going through this today, I can no longer live like this ……..I no longer want to live like this. I am sooo frickin sick of this. I have had enough!!! I want to be able to be me! All of me!! I have realized that, this cannot happen with my friends back home, even my life at home. They are great friends, they really are. One of them has been my friend for a long time. He is an amazing person, and I have realized that there are goods parts of his personality that I had not really confronted. But I can’t live life completely happy…completely me…… out in the open, with them. I don’t just mean dating a guy, I also mean simple showing of likes and personality (As I talked about above). I now accept that I will have to separate myself from that part of my life, meaning my friends from home. I will not be separating myself from the activities and things I liked doing with them. I will still be doing them, but doing them while being me, meaning completely as I am, just as I am. I am no longer willing to continue this. I am going to focus more on being around the people that I met from the gay and lesbian meetup group. I can be me with them. Slowly, I will be less and less with my friends from home and more with people from the meetup group (…..this will take time), and from people I meet while doing activities that I liked to do with my friends, who like me as *me*. These people that I will meet will be meeting all of my personality, not just a facet of it that I show my friends. Thus, if they want to be my friend and/or hang out more with me, it will be because they like all of me…. All of my personality….. All of who I am.

I should have been having this same discussion and decision with myself in fricking highschool! Like all the people whose blogs I have been reading!....not freaking now!!...... I missed and have ruined a great frickin portion of my life!..............*sigh*…….. regret….regret….regret.....

On a side note, the whole thing of “I missed and have ruined a great frickin portion of my life!” was not just because of the issues I have spoken here, but of things happening during high school and middle school, which I will probably talk about eventually.

Also, please note that I am trying to translate my emotions/feelings into words. This is never an easy thing for me to do. I tried to write as naturally and fluidly as possible so as to replicate my feelings as closely as possible. It did not work out as well as I would like because I did not write this until a while after this happened. I was not as emotional and aware of my feelings as I would have been if I had written this post right after this event had taken place. So, if anything is a little confusing or plain does not make sense please let me know. I will be more than happy to explain it as best I can. You would not be intruding or asking too much. This is my blog, my space, but I want others (meaning people other than me) to see this blog. So it is yours also.

Dear phantom readers lol

I wanted to ask my phantom readers something. I have been thinking about my experiences in high school and middle school a lot. I have soooo much regret from those times. I have been thinking about those times more than usual recently, and how much I regret that I did not really try to find a boy friend at all during those times. I regret much more than that, which I will elaborate on in future posts. There were a lot of things going on. So, I am asking the readers of this blog if they would like posts like I described. That is, I am asking the readers that are in my head, since they are the only ones reading this blog lol.  I keed, there might be some people 'hopefully' that find my posts interesting. It would be nice to try (note the word "try") and put my thoughts/emotions into words. I would like to tell people such as yourselfs, of my experiences and regrets, so that people may learn from them. This will be every once in a while. Whenever I think about those times and the associated circumstances and events, I get very emotional, so as a result the words will be very emotionally laden.

Sorry for such a long post. K, Erik needs to sleep now, goodnight!  Thankies (and smoochies)!

Oh, and if anyone has any reccomendation/critiques for the layout of my blog, and how I arrange posts, pictures, and anything else, please let me know! I am trying to make this blog as painless to my viewers as possible ;)

                                                                        Deviant art

                                                                     Deviant art

Splish Splash, takin a bath

                                                                 

                                                                        Deviant art

                                                                      Deviant art

                                                                               Deviant art

                                                                       Deviant art

 I did not get home until late evening today, but I decided to do my normal run on the road anyway. It had been raining all day, but it wasnt at the time, so I just decided to risk it. Well guess what, god decided I needed to be taught a lesson. A torrential down-pour just started when I began to turn around, start the second half of the run, and head home. My personage of a drowned rat had taken its full form. Genius me was going to take a hoodie along, but decided not too. It was the terroists messin with my brain I tell you!! I was just glad that no police car drove by me. It is not illegal to run in a storm, but no doubt I would have gotten yelled at. I really wanted to take a picture of my drowned rat personage. Alas I do not yet have a digital camera. I am currently looking on craigslist to find a used one (thus an inexpensive one). I loooovvve photoshop and the creativity I can exhibit with this software. Since I cannot draw at all, photography and photoshop is the one way besides piano (but I don't like to play when people are listening for some reason) that I can show my artistic side. I love art, I just dont have any natural talent/skill for it. Soooo for now 'sigh', here are some picures of very wet and very sexy people.

What does love mean?

 I found this on Andy's blog. I hope he does not mind! I had to post this. It makes my emotions go all googily (no I dont know what that means, I just made it up while writing this post).

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all even when his hands got arthritis, too. That’s Love.”
Rebecca - age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy - age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”
Karl - age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French Fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
Chrissy - age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri - age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
Danny - age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.”
Emily - age 8

 “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.”
Nikka - age 6

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”
Noelle - age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”
Tommy - age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”
Cindy - age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”
Clare - age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”
Elaine-age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”
Chris - age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann - age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”
Lauren - age 4

 “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you”
Karen - age 7

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”
Mark - age 6

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica - age 8

And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. (Now this will melt your heart.) The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

These things are hard, these things can hurt...