Hiiiiesss......sorrrry.....realllllly lonnnnnggg post....you get a cookie of your choice if you read the entire thing (somehow)!!!!

Hies everyone. Wellll, today did not go as well as I had hoped it would. Not sure if I mentioned this before, but I live with my parents still. The reason being, that I am a graduate student, and I can't afford not to. Anyways, my mom found out that I was going to Outfest today, and she talked to me this morning about it. It was like we were living in the 1970's. She had pretty much all of the old prejudices and stereotypes of gay people. In case you have not read my previous posts, she knows that I like guys, I told her about three weeks ago. It really caught me off guard. I couldn't...and did not think that, that was what she thought about people who happen to be gay. I really thought that she was better than that...I thought that she thought better of me than that. I reallllly overestimated her, when I told her that I like guys. I figured that she would not like it initially, but that she would understand. She seems to think that we are a den of depravity, and dark alleys. She even said something as stupid as not getting fucking ear rings, as that would make me too girly!!! WTF!! My older brother has fucking earrings, she never said a fucking thing!!! I am really angry....and dissapointed in her....I just....expected better. I thought she was better than that.

I feel and felt reallllly hurt throughout the day today, and during outfest, which put a damper on the event. Plus the little conversation we had, made me late for the train, so I missed the planned meeting with my fellow gays, from the group I talked about before. I regret missing that, as I don't get much time to talk to like-minded people. I did hang out with them as we walked through the event, but that was only for a little bit, as they had to leave early.

I didn't really expect that what she said would hurt me sooooo much...but it has. I think I kind of expected that she would feel that way....I guess I just thought she had a better head on her shoulders than she actually does. K, I am being rather harsh about her right now...but I am still pretty angry about it.

I have to get out of that house...meaning move to an apartment. I am not sure anymore how much longer I can stand it there. Something might happen if it stays like this for much longer. The problem is....that I did start an internship that pays relatively well...but I only started it about two weeks ago....so I have not received a single pay check yet. Soooo, it may be a while until I can move. My house/apartment mate will also have to be gay or bisexual....just because it will help me getting my life where I want it to be.

I know that this is not very encouraging for those of you (especially those of you who are teenagers) who are dealing with coming out to their parents. All I can say right now.....is that I am soooooo regretful that I did not deal with this earlier in my life. I soooo wish that I could turn back time and deal with it when I was a teenager.
I did not realize what was really going on when I was a teenager. I was a verrrry angry kid....anger was my armor.....my protection...against all of the teasing and bullying I experienced....it was a way for me to deal with it. And I mean reallll anger..... K, I am going to try to explain this...so here goes.....I think that I was a nice kid....I was quiet....shy....I am sure you know the type.....I was a really nice kid....don't get me wrong....I was a teenager...I am sure I had my faults....in fact I am sure I was an ass sometimes. Anyways..... the teasing and bullying really grew as I went through sixth grade....I guess I just did not know how to deal with it. Like I said....I was a generally nice kid (kind of)....the worst I did as a retort to bullying and/or teasing at that time was....no joke....telling some one that there nose and chin looked wierd....because that was what they were telling me....*sigh*. Welll it was during sixth grade that all of that...and me....changed. There came a point where I just could not stand the teasing anymore...I couldn't take it....it was tooo much...and I needed to do something to handle it....I can really remember the moment when I changed.....I was thinking something like...."I can't take this anymore" and "I gotta do something".....it was at that point that I became agressive....I fought back....at absolutely everything....I became very angry....at the smallest kind of tease or jest.....it was a way of dealing with it....of protecting my self from the bullying. I am not proud of this....it is just how it was.....friends who knew me as a generally quiet congenial kid....now knew me as the kid who would punch them if they made a small tease.... and I mean the smallest tease possible. Soooo. everything changed from then on. No....things did not get better after sixth or seventh grade....I went to a private school for eight grade because it got so bad...went back to the high school for ninth grade.
This bullying was not generally about me being gay...although there was a reallly bad time in seventh grade when I was teased for being gay.....but they did not realize....nor did I realize....that it was true...I think there was one or two that did......but most of them just saw it as a way to make fun of someone.  I think.....that I became sooooo good at using anger and agressiveness to deal with the bullying.....that I hid me underneath....I was only my real self when I was alone (and even then the anger was there)......or reading. I think that is why I loooove reading soooo much. You can lose yourself in a different world...forget about your world. Anyways, I was one person at school, and partly another person when I was at home...and especially  a different person when I was alone. I think that was the norm for sooo long....that I thought it was completely normal to be one way at school and when you are in front of people....and feel and be different when you are alone. I realize that most teenagers do this....not showing parts of their personality to people...such as their friends...because they are afriad of what they might think....but I think I was on the extreme side. I thought that this was the norm....so I did not pay attention to who I was when I was alone....did not think that, that was the real me....that people did not normally do this.
I think....that this is why I am dealing with all of this now, and not when I was younger. I had a more over riding issue to deal with. It is weird....recently.....the more that my head and thoughts feel more clear...the more I realize that I felt homosexual thoughts in middle and highschool. There were soooo many hints....but I think I was too preoccupied with what was going on...to deal with it. I mean, there were mmannny hints...I constantly looked at my male teacher's asses:)lol. I thought about guys that I liked, in that I liked their smile....I liked the way they walked....stuff like that. I discovered gay porn internet sites....I think around sixth grade...once I found them....I stopped looking at straight porn, lol....I read toooonnns of gay sex stories....to the point of when I tried to think up truth or dare questions to ask during a truth or dare type party....they would be extremely gay in nature. I looovved Tori Amos's music (lol, hint hint hint hint), I helped my mom build a freaking doll house..which she bought for me.....but I did stop doing that, because I became worried what others might think...My mom caught me at least twice watching very gay porn online. I really cannot understand why she has not suspected that I like guys. I guess I was verrrry good at lying (which I was), and that she simply wanted to believe that it was not true...that I was just curious, or something like that.


Gaaaahhhhhh!!!!! I am sooo sorry for the rant...not sure what came over me!!! I guess I just needed to say it. If any of it does not make sense, or you have any questions at all....pllleeassse ask!!!

Okays, that is enough of that (for now lol). Here are some pictures from the event. There are not many....sooorrrryy:) My mind was preoccupied with other things. There was a lot of hot boys and guys there. I was really tempted to take pictures of them....but it felt like it would have been too disrespectful....and stalkerish....soooo...I didn't.

 Gawwwww, soooo cute!!

 Gaaaaa, he was soooo hottt!!!!

 I sneaked this shot in when he had his attention diverted...tee hee.

 That guy was awwwesommmme!!!!