Hiesss all. I don't anything anymore, or right now.
Found this song w/ video, I liked it. Thought I would post it. Bies!!! talk to you laters!!!

Hieeeeeee allllll!!!!! I have a request. Now that I have my own room, which is not in my parents, but with people that are perfectly fine with me being compeletely and absolutely me....I want to decorate....personalize my place. I have already ordered two *friends*. I will takes pictures when they get here.
Could you guys give me suggestions as to ways to or things, to personalize my place with. There are nooooooo boundaries. You can be vague, but please be as specific as you can. I swear I will listen to you, and I think there is a good chance that I might do what you recommend. And, I mean decorate/personalize in every/any way possible, and anywhere in my room. C'mon, you can do it!!!
If you guys don't, I swear (not really), that I will post up pictures of naked women here!!!! Don't force me, I mean it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!No not really, but it was fun saying it.

I was thinking of buying some collectibles for the old 1990's anime tv show called Bebop Cowboy. It is not gay in nature, but I really enjoy that joy. I find, that japanese anime can have sooo much unerlying emotions to it, and very many layers.

That is it for now, biieeessss! Thankies!!!!!!!

Erik

Hie guys!!!!!! Welll, it was nice while it lasted. We just moved very fast. 
  Right now, we are just realllllly good friends.I think our feelings were very strong because it was basically puppy love. It was the first time either of us had dealt with these feelings in a situation where the person responded and liked me back.
Plus, we live very far apart, taking a long distance relationship to the extreme. I mean we live verrrrrry farrrrr apart.

FYI, the post below me describes my intense feelings at the time. They have decreased over this short time. I put this here, just for you to understand my feelings at the time.

I am fine guys, really. We are not going out, or in a relationship anymore. We are very good friends. I have learned and felt a lot the past few days. I really felt a deep need that I know no straight guy will ever feel. A very intense emotional and physical attraction. I am taking it fine guys. I just hope my new friend is doing alright. I will be there for him.

I am writing this very early in the day, so if anything is cofusing, just let me know, and I will explain as best I can. Thankieeesssssss everyone for your support!!!!!

Thankies!!!!

Erik

Thaaaaaaankyouuuu for responding!!!! This guy is amaaaaazing! He really understands things I am going through. He has cool taste in music. He knows what he wants. He has conflicts as well, has issues, like me. We really understand each other. We have exchanged pictures (all G-rated). There is one where it looks like he is looking at me....I put it as the background for my computer screen, so he is always looking/staring at me whenever I look at my computer screen. He is reallllly sweet. He keeps complimenting me. I really like how he keeps telling me how awesome I am. Don't worry, I tell him as well, and I mean it. I loooove how he asks me to just tell him somethings about me, not caring what it is. What is causing me sooooo much trouble and heart ache, is that we live verrrry far apart. I will admit that I started having feelings for him a couple days ago, but I did not tell him, and distanced myself from it a little bit, because I did not want to make him uncomfortable, and distance himself from me. We both are stuck where we are right now because we both are in universities right now. Turns out, he realllllllllllllllllllllly likes me!!!!!!!!!! We met from a website we have in common. We have been talking for about two weeks, for about one-and a half to two hours each and everyday. Sometimes it is more like two to three hours. Like I said, we exchanged many pictures. Don't worry, he is genuine It is just reallly killing me that we both like each other, but we live so far apart. We did not start talking, with this in mind. I am just soooo scared because I don't know what will happen, if it will work out. What if I meet personally, and we somehow don't click? I do not want to be hurt like that, and I don't think I could stand seeing him being hurt like that. He just wanted a friend to talk to. He is/was having issues (like we all do). After about two weeks of talking, we have developed deep feelings for each other, and we both really like each other. Right now, all I want to do is meet him at an airport,  and when I see him, I can see/hear myself making a squeek-like noise, running up, and just holding him, and god, I realllllllly want to kiss him.

Does this sound like more than just friendship, basically both of us being *gay* for each other?

 

Jesus, I might be in love, or falling for, or have deep feelings for someone. This is going to sound dumb, but for all of you that read this, if you feel like it, could you please tell me what your are feeling when you have initial/new feelings for/about someone? I mean feelings you had when you first were getting to know the person. And (this is going to sound dumb), if you really don't mind, distinguish them from feelings you have from like a girl, for those of you who like guys and not girls, or are bi. This sounds like a question that someone my age should already know. But, if you have read most of my blog, you might have an understanding as to why I am asking a question such as this.
Physical attraction is separate from emotional attraction, right? This what rather (in a simplistic way) separates whether you like guys or girls, correct? Like, with friends, you have an emotional attachment, and with a boy/girlfriend and/or partner, you have physical attraction along with a strong emotional attachment? I know this is baby talk, just bear with me.....I am floundering here. This is new territory for me. Had other things to do deal with in middle/high school, and after that.
Thankies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quick Update

I was asked about the prospective move. So, I figured I should update. I have accepted the offer to live at the places I talked about before, with the three gay housemates. Aaaaah, soooo excited!!!!!!!!! I am moving this coming Friday!!! Yeeeheeee! Ummmm, that is all the updates for now.

Thankies!!!!!

Hiiiieeeeeesessss!!!!
Ya know, I want to post something here..just because. Someone told me something a few days ago...that
really made me realize that I know what want. So I should just go for it. What I am you waiting for.
I posted below what he told me. I have no idea if you will read this, but if you do,

                               Thank You. 


It is something so simple, but it seemed that it needed to be said to me.

just dont worry so much about other ppl

be yourself

and be happy for you

not for the rest

just for you

and if you get to be happy ppl will se you happy

and youll find someone who understands you and loves you for who you are

stop posing , be yourself, and let the others rot

dont worry so much

and dont be so harsh with yourself

you know

in economics

i learned a concept

called the sunk cost

everything in your past is done

you cant change it

so looking back at those "sunk costs" will make you take bad decitions in the present

just stop for a second

forget about the past

and think about the future how you want it to be

and go for it

past is past

leave all your anger and sadness behind

your past wont change no matter how much you try to explain it and get meaning of it

its caput

sunk costs are retrospective (past) costs that have already been incurred and cannot be recovered

what you did in the past is history

live for the present and future

Traditional economics proposes that an economic actor not let sunk costs influence one's decisions, because doing so would not be rationally assessing a decision exclusively on its own merits.

This also goes out to all of you fabulous guys. Thankies for your words and support (you all know who you are). Even when I probably sounded like I was making too much out of something small/little.

Cried......but tears of happiness....

"did you know that in new south wales, monday (a public holiday there) was declared a day of hugging? this wasn't an official pronouncement; rather, it was made by an advocate of the Free Hug movement.

last week, the creator of this movement, a young man going by the pseudonym juan mann, was elevated to the dizzying heights of global celebrity.

video footage of mann pacing sydney's pitt street mall about a year ago, holding aloft a sign stating 'free hugs' & set to the poignant 'all the same' by the australian los angeles-based band, sick puppies, was uploaded on to the video-share website youtube.

in cyberspace, every second counts. it took only nanoseconds for news of the video of mann's campaign to spread. appealing to the inner child in us, the video was shown on good morning america last week. now, the site is registering close to 1.5 million hits and many thousands of positive comments.

so, what was at the heart of this young man's campaign to brighten the day of city slickers – those so preoccupied with work and the fast, heady pace of contemporary life, they forget to stop and smell the roses?

according to mann, after returning from a trip overseas, he noticed how sad everyone looked and basically wanted to brighten their day. to him, a hug was the natural antidote to the stress and alienation that burdens urban workers.

although people were reluctant at first to approach this tall, lanky man with a promise, it wasn't long before his invitation caught on. casting suspicion to the wind, young and old threw themselves into his arms, keen for what we so often forget we need in this hi-tech day and age – human touch. either we forget or, for fear of being thought our actions will be misconstrued, we avoid.

but mann didn't think about how his intentions might be interpreted, he embraced his fellow humans. and they thanked him for it.

then, sydney city council decided that this generous young man could cause irreparable damage. insisting that he buy $25 million in public liability insurance, the council demanded he stop. undeterred, mann collected 10,000 signatures on a petition and now his hugging movement is free to continue to bring smiles to those drawn, harried faces of the city.

there's something uplifting about this story. along with the video, you get the "warm & fuzzies" and find yourself cheering this guy who reminds us of the simpler pleasures; of the sweetness that life and letting others fill it can bring.

we live in a world where violence and violent acts are becoming normalised. the producers of the new james bond film see fit to cut the superspy smoking a cigar but not images of him killing people with a smoking gun. we are shocked and appalled at sexual imagery and intimacy, but take death, pain and the destruction of human life in our stride.

what sort of society are we devolving into?

i'm reminded of the movie 'true lies', when a. schwarzenegger's character, who's been hiding his identity as a spy from his wife of many years, admits he has killed in his line of work, then hastily adds, "yeah, but they were all bad." when they don't look, talk, act or worship like us, then, it seems, they're deemed to be bad (different) and their life is not so important.

for a culture that doesn't cope well with death, we seem to hold life so cheaply.

but just as you begin to despair, along comes a young man with a big heart and youtube, technology that spreads goodwill like a virus and gives us what we need in these dark times – a hug and a smile.

all it took was juan mann, which just proves, hugs aren't for free, they're priceless."
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=free&order=9&offset=0&offset=24#/don4jk

"A wish. To be free from obligations, from logical thinking, society, everydaylife, to be free from the material world, reality. To flee into a dreamlike world of feeling, not just hoping, were everything can be like you wish, where you only have to believe in it. In our world, such thinking is described as asocial, lazy, self-destructive or stupid. For me it is what is worth for living. And one day I will escape. One day I will leave behind everything that could hold me back, and sink into a world were I can be free. No consience, no duty, no constraints, no hoping - just being. Being free, just live for the feelings and no need to justify it. To get there, I surely will have to pinch a bullet through my head, but goddamn, it should be worth it!"
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=free&order=9&offset=120#/decs8h

Weeeee

Hieee!! Not much going on recently. I have looking around for an apartment or house to live in. I think I have found one. It is not very far away from my where I currently live (which is my parents house:()....but I really need to get out of there. Met the person who was looking for another house mate. There are four people living there, including the owner. It is a house, not an apartment...but I am fine with that. The ages of the people living there are very ranged, from in there fifties, to twenty one. They are allll gay:) Soooo, this will be a new.....and awwwwwwwesommmeee environment for me!! OMG, I am sooo excited to be getting out of there!!! I think I am going to accept the offer, and move in soooooooooooon. I would prefer to move closer to the city, but the commute to my internship would be ridiculously looooongg. I need a place that I feel I can open up (so to speak).

we all do what we can
so we can do just one more thing

we won’t have a thing
so we’ve got nothing to lose

we can all be free
maybe not with words
maybe not with a look
but with your mind

but with your mind

but with your mind

Cat Power

Fiiiiinnnnnee...lol

Fiiiinnnnnnnnneeeeee, here are some more happier music videos:):):):):):):)








Absolutely adore....waaiiit...Je t'adore this song, and video:)

I hear my voice...and its been here....silent all these years.....

 Absolutely aaamaaazingg lyrics and very emotionally attuned piano.

Wish

Welll, I did not ask out loud that I wanted a boyfriend for my birthday....but, I did wish for one when I blew the candles out....and to get out of that place as soon as possible....and to be more me, and more happy.

I have been thinking about my younger brother a lot lately. The more clearer things are getting in my head, the more I think that the time (though still a ways off) to come out to most people, is coming. Among aaalllll of the people in my family...and in my life in general....it is my younger brother that I think I care the most about what he will think. I reallly care about him. He has his personality faults, but we alllll do. He is a good guy. It scares me absolutely shitless, that if I tell him....he will be disgusted. Wow....I am shaking right now. As far as brothers go...we have gotten kind of close. Not as close as I would like to be...but that is probably mostly my fault.

I think he looks up to me. I am not sure why...but, I think he thinks that some parts of me are worth admiring...like me being in graduate school...that is the only thing I can think of...but I just get the feeling that he does.

I am sooooo scared when I think of coming out to him....because he is verrrryyyy religious. I don't mean that he believes in all that hateful crap.....he just believes in god, and seems to be very spiritual. I am spiritual, but I am not on good terms with religion....for obvious reasons. I am sooooo frightened that he will reject me, be disgusted of his older brother. If that happened, I don't think I could handle it. Okay, that is enough of that for now.....

My father's sister, my aunt, is a real cool person. She is the complete polar opposite of my dad. She is very happy, nice mannered, and overall good person. I think she knows, or at least suspects, that I am gay. We are not very close, simply because we don't see or talk to each other much at all, though. We were talking to each other at my half-sister's wedding. Some information, she is very, very, gay friendly. She is a hairdresser, and has worked with many people who are gay, and has many gay and lesbian friends. She has been on floats at lgbt celebrations. Yes, she it straight. She is a big fan of the Philadelphia Gay Choir. Anyways, we were talking at this wedding, and we got to talking about our favorite music. I was looking at her music in her ipod, and we found out we both liked Antony and the Johnsons, Firefly, Coco Rosie, Lady Gaga, Seal, and others like that. When we were talking, I felt more relaxed, and talked more freely than usual, my voice became more light, more expressive (shall we say). We are friends on facebook, and I mentioned that I was going out to Philadelphia on Sunday, which was the Outfest party, and that I had had a great time. I did not at all mention what I was going there for. My aunt made a comments, that make me feel that she knows or has an idea, of what event I went to. So, I think she suspects, that I am gay, or bisexual. A few minutes ago...she started a conversation with me....out of the blue on face book....about the tv show Gleee. So, I think she has an idea. If she does, that would be great. I am feeling better and happier just by typing this down:):):):):) Haaa!!! Or I could just be over thinking this, and leading myself do a great and depressing let down.:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

Sooorrrryyyy

Oooooppps...I forgot about the cookies....yaihhhhhhssss to all of those who read the entire....and very depressing post....and to all of those who will in the future.

What do I want

When someone asks me what I want for my birthday, I am seriously considering saying *a boyfriend*. Heee....nah, not seriously considering it....I just really would like to say that....but I would never. Although, the way I feel towards my mother at the moment, I might just say that to her....It is a little mean I know...not proud of the feeling....

Hmmmm...I am thinking of posting a picture of me when I was in middle high school (not sure which, will have to see if I can find out when it was taken). The one problem is that my dad took it...and he did not and still doesn't believe in digital cameras *palm to face*. Don't ask me why, I have noooo idea. So, I will need to take a picture of a picture, with my digital camera, so the quality will probably be crappy. Okay, I lied, there is more than one problem....I looked weird and geekish (still do), I had hhhuuuuuggge glasses...and I had no fashion sense...there was no real reason for me to worry or even think about those kinds of things.....during that period in my life....

Staring at the sky...

I love the kind of storms at night, where all it does is just flash some lightning, and no rain or anything. You will hear a little bit of thunder, but you can just stare up at the night and wait for the lightning, without any of the stuff that generally goes with it. I find it quite beautiful....

Hiieee

Thankies everyone!!!

Hiiiiesss......sorrrry.....realllllly lonnnnnggg post....you get a cookie of your choice if you read the entire thing (somehow)!!!!

Hies everyone. Wellll, today did not go as well as I had hoped it would. Not sure if I mentioned this before, but I live with my parents still. The reason being, that I am a graduate student, and I can't afford not to. Anyways, my mom found out that I was going to Outfest today, and she talked to me this morning about it. It was like we were living in the 1970's. She had pretty much all of the old prejudices and stereotypes of gay people. In case you have not read my previous posts, she knows that I like guys, I told her about three weeks ago. It really caught me off guard. I couldn't...and did not think that, that was what she thought about people who happen to be gay. I really thought that she was better than that...I thought that she thought better of me than that. I reallllly overestimated her, when I told her that I like guys. I figured that she would not like it initially, but that she would understand. She seems to think that we are a den of depravity, and dark alleys. She even said something as stupid as not getting fucking ear rings, as that would make me too girly!!! WTF!! My older brother has fucking earrings, she never said a fucking thing!!! I am really angry....and dissapointed in her....I just....expected better. I thought she was better than that.

I feel and felt reallllly hurt throughout the day today, and during outfest, which put a damper on the event. Plus the little conversation we had, made me late for the train, so I missed the planned meeting with my fellow gays, from the group I talked about before. I regret missing that, as I don't get much time to talk to like-minded people. I did hang out with them as we walked through the event, but that was only for a little bit, as they had to leave early.

I didn't really expect that what she said would hurt me sooooo much...but it has. I think I kind of expected that she would feel that way....I guess I just thought she had a better head on her shoulders than she actually does. K, I am being rather harsh about her right now...but I am still pretty angry about it.

I have to get out of that house...meaning move to an apartment. I am not sure anymore how much longer I can stand it there. Something might happen if it stays like this for much longer. The problem is....that I did start an internship that pays relatively well...but I only started it about two weeks ago....so I have not received a single pay check yet. Soooo, it may be a while until I can move. My house/apartment mate will also have to be gay or bisexual....just because it will help me getting my life where I want it to be.

I know that this is not very encouraging for those of you (especially those of you who are teenagers) who are dealing with coming out to their parents. All I can say right now.....is that I am soooooo regretful that I did not deal with this earlier in my life. I soooo wish that I could turn back time and deal with it when I was a teenager.
I did not realize what was really going on when I was a teenager. I was a verrrry angry kid....anger was my armor.....my protection...against all of the teasing and bullying I experienced....it was a way for me to deal with it. And I mean reallll anger..... K, I am going to try to explain this...so here goes.....I think that I was a nice kid....I was quiet....shy....I am sure you know the type.....I was a really nice kid....don't get me wrong....I was a teenager...I am sure I had my faults....in fact I am sure I was an ass sometimes. Anyways..... the teasing and bullying really grew as I went through sixth grade....I guess I just did not know how to deal with it. Like I said....I was a generally nice kid (kind of)....the worst I did as a retort to bullying and/or teasing at that time was....no joke....telling some one that there nose and chin looked wierd....because that was what they were telling me....*sigh*. Welll it was during sixth grade that all of that...and me....changed. There came a point where I just could not stand the teasing anymore...I couldn't take it....it was tooo much...and I needed to do something to handle it....I can really remember the moment when I changed.....I was thinking something like...."I can't take this anymore" and "I gotta do something".....it was at that point that I became agressive....I fought back....at absolutely everything....I became very angry....at the smallest kind of tease or jest.....it was a way of dealing with it....of protecting my self from the bullying. I am not proud of this....it is just how it was.....friends who knew me as a generally quiet congenial kid....now knew me as the kid who would punch them if they made a small tease.... and I mean the smallest tease possible. Soooo. everything changed from then on. No....things did not get better after sixth or seventh grade....I went to a private school for eight grade because it got so bad...went back to the high school for ninth grade.
This bullying was not generally about me being gay...although there was a reallly bad time in seventh grade when I was teased for being gay.....but they did not realize....nor did I realize....that it was true...I think there was one or two that did......but most of them just saw it as a way to make fun of someone.  I think.....that I became sooooo good at using anger and agressiveness to deal with the bullying.....that I hid me underneath....I was only my real self when I was alone (and even then the anger was there)......or reading. I think that is why I loooove reading soooo much. You can lose yourself in a different world...forget about your world. Anyways, I was one person at school, and partly another person when I was at home...and especially  a different person when I was alone. I think that was the norm for sooo long....that I thought it was completely normal to be one way at school and when you are in front of people....and feel and be different when you are alone. I realize that most teenagers do this....not showing parts of their personality to people...such as their friends...because they are afriad of what they might think....but I think I was on the extreme side. I thought that this was the norm....so I did not pay attention to who I was when I was alone....did not think that, that was the real me....that people did not normally do this.
I think....that this is why I am dealing with all of this now, and not when I was younger. I had a more over riding issue to deal with. It is weird....recently.....the more that my head and thoughts feel more clear...the more I realize that I felt homosexual thoughts in middle and highschool. There were soooo many hints....but I think I was too preoccupied with what was going on...to deal with it. I mean, there were mmannny hints...I constantly looked at my male teacher's asses:)lol. I thought about guys that I liked, in that I liked their smile....I liked the way they walked....stuff like that. I discovered gay porn internet sites....I think around sixth grade...once I found them....I stopped looking at straight porn, lol....I read toooonnns of gay sex stories....to the point of when I tried to think up truth or dare questions to ask during a truth or dare type party....they would be extremely gay in nature. I looovved Tori Amos's music (lol, hint hint hint hint), I helped my mom build a freaking doll house..which she bought for me.....but I did stop doing that, because I became worried what others might think...My mom caught me at least twice watching very gay porn online. I really cannot understand why she has not suspected that I like guys. I guess I was verrrry good at lying (which I was), and that she simply wanted to believe that it was not true...that I was just curious, or something like that.


Gaaaahhhhhh!!!!! I am sooo sorry for the rant...not sure what came over me!!! I guess I just needed to say it. If any of it does not make sense, or you have any questions at all....pllleeassse ask!!!

Okays, that is enough of that (for now lol). Here are some pictures from the event. There are not many....sooorrrryy:) My mind was preoccupied with other things. There was a lot of hot boys and guys there. I was really tempted to take pictures of them....but it felt like it would have been too disrespectful....and stalkerish....soooo...I didn't.

 Gawwwww, soooo cute!!

 Gaaaaa, he was soooo hottt!!!!

 I sneaked this shot in when he had his attention diverted...tee hee.

 That guy was awwwesommmme!!!!

Be proud of your uniqueness!!

Hie all!!!! Today, I felt like asking you all to share any unique physical features that you have. Celebrate you being unique.

As for me, I have rather pointed ears. And one of them is even more pointed than the other....they are weird.

My other quite unique feature...which I will admit to not being happy about at all....but I have had it for what seems like forever...so I am used to it...anyways...I have a *L* or *V*, shaped scar on the middle of my forehead....I have had different opinions from people, regarding the exact shape.

Hies!

Hello! I just felt like making a post now for some reason....I cannot stop thinking about that one co-worker that I have mentioned in a previous post. He is dreamy....it is weird for me...have any of you ever just fell for a guy... that is most likely straight, in only a few minutes of meeting him?

*Sigh*

Can't talk right now....just bawling from watching this video, but you should check this artist out (Ed Askew).

Interesting

 It is interesting...at my new internship, I met this one co-worker...I met him for only a few minutes....but in those few minutes I just fell for him. He seemed to be my age (maybe a little older), cute face, cute voice, rrealllllllllyyy nice smile, nice eyes, nice body. He did not say much. He seems to have a quiet personality. I am kind of like that, which could be one of the reasons why I really liked that about him. I have a crappy gay dar (nobody's gaydar/bidar goes off when they meet me), but I don't think he is bi or gay. Oh well.

• Too Much Space by Lisa Germano

 

More Lisa Germano music on iLike

Loooovvve this song.



Same thing....but with video.

Hai

Hello everybody!!! Well, I bought a camera. Canon Power Shot SX210 IS. It is small, a pocket camera. I wanted one that I could carry around for regular events. I wouldnt be willing to carry around a big camera that often. My next camera purchase will be a bigger one, with better quality, for scenic pictures and stuff like that. Anyways, I am going to Outfest in Philadelphia this coming weekend. Believe it or not...and as sad as it is....this is quite a step for me. I will probably be going with a group of people from the lgbt meetup group that I have talked about before on my blog.Cannot wait. This will be the first things like this....as sad as that sounds...that I have gone to.

Also, my thoughts are feeling....more....clear?....don't really know how to put it. I think I have figured some things out....things in my past that have made my feelings so hard for me to figure out. When I feel that I have reached the top of this....I will make a post, and try to explain what my theory is....regarding what has caused this inside of me. I don't want to do it...I just don't feel peace yet...

I bought a few necklaces, I took some pictures of them. If you want to, please let me know which one(s) you like best, and which one(s) you think I should wear to outfest.

 I like these two together

 Wood and polymer clay

This is an arrow head, welded to the top of an old key