Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!! (I think that about sums it up)

I went out with some of my close friends today to a bar. We started talking about knowing people at college who were gay, and about going to a local gay bar while at college. One of my friends obviously did not like it. He did not say anything, except grumble something about it being messed up. My other friend did not really like the thought. He said that he doesn’t mind people who are gay, but he just didn’t like it. From the things he said, I got the feeling that he meant the he does not like gay people, and would prefer not to be around them as friends. At the bar, they were viewing all the women in the bar as they walked past, and commented on how they looked, and if they would be with a certain female if the opportunity had risen. I was quiet. I did not say anything about the women they were commenting on. I could not be apart of me. I could not talk about certain things like they did. I could not freely show all of my personality. To do so would have shown that I liked men. I think I have finally realized that I will never be able to be completely me around my friends. I would have liked to join in on there commenting, but could not because of the context and content of what I would say. I am bisexual, but I lean much more towards the guys. I want a relationship with a guy. I felt that I couldn’t exhibit giddiness, or use certain words. I couldn’t show all of my personality (I know, I already stated that). I couldn’t open up and be ALLL of me!

         I have finally come to the conclusion that this part of my life, meaning these friends and my associated friends, and activities I do with them cannot be a part of my life that includes me being with a guy, and freely talking about those kind of things, and other things that aren’t even related, but just apart of me. When I went to meet the gay and lesbian group at a restaurant in the city, I could talk about anything I wanted without being afraid of disapproval because it was weird to them (not an illegal kind of weird). I talked about meeting people, and about my career aspirations in the manner and tone that I liked and was a part of my personality. I was nervous when I first met them, and as a result I was not completely *me*. But I am always nervous and very shy when I first meet people, and it will go away once I get to know them, and I will be more of the real me. It is starting to happen already after having hanged out with them at bars/restaurants twice. Have any of you ever felt like they had to hide a part of themselves, a part of their personality when around certain people? You couldn’t say certain things that are completely harmless, act happy, or talk in a certain way, because of they would think it is weird or disapprove? That is probably a big yes, I just did not want to assume.

           I like the things and activities I do with my friends, but I can’t bring that and all of my personality together. After going through this today, I can no longer live like this ……..I no longer want to live like this. I am sooo frickin sick of this. I have had enough!!! I want to be able to be me! All of me!! I have realized that, this cannot happen with my friends back home, even my life at home. They are great friends, they really are. One of them has been my friend for a long time. He is an amazing person, and I have realized that there are goods parts of his personality that I had not really confronted. But I can’t live life completely happy…completely me…… out in the open, with them. I don’t just mean dating a guy, I also mean simple showing of likes and personality (As I talked about above). I now accept that I will have to separate myself from that part of my life, meaning my friends from home. I will not be separating myself from the activities and things I liked doing with them. I will still be doing them, but doing them while being me, meaning completely as I am, just as I am. I am no longer willing to continue this. I am going to focus more on being around the people that I met from the gay and lesbian meetup group. I can be me with them. Slowly, I will be less and less with my friends from home and more with people from the meetup group (…..this will take time), and from people I meet while doing activities that I liked to do with my friends, who like me as *me*. These people that I will meet will be meeting all of my personality, not just a facet of it that I show my friends. Thus, if they want to be my friend and/or hang out more with me, it will be because they like all of me…. All of my personality….. All of who I am.

I should have been having this same discussion and decision with myself in fricking highschool! Like all the people whose blogs I have been reading!....not freaking now!!...... I missed and have ruined a great frickin portion of my life!..............*sigh*…….. regret….regret….regret.....

On a side note, the whole thing of “I missed and have ruined a great frickin portion of my life!” was not just because of the issues I have spoken here, but of things happening during high school and middle school, which I will probably talk about eventually.

Also, please note that I am trying to translate my emotions/feelings into words. This is never an easy thing for me to do. I tried to write as naturally and fluidly as possible so as to replicate my feelings as closely as possible. It did not work out as well as I would like because I did not write this until a while after this happened. I was not as emotional and aware of my feelings as I would have been if I had written this post right after this event had taken place. So, if anything is a little confusing or plain does not make sense please let me know. I will be more than happy to explain it as best I can. You would not be intruding or asking too much. This is my blog, my space, but I want others (meaning people other than me) to see this blog. So it is yours also.